Why discomfort with female leaders is a problem

Intimidating is not another word for assertive. Difficult is not another way to say problem solver. Outspoken is not a substitute for courage to speak up. Direct is not how to describe being able to tackle conflict head on. Cold doesn’t equate to confident. Early in my career, I was accused of being too soft, not confident enough, and too feminine (whatever that means). So, I had to practice being a clear and real-time problem solver. I had to become more assertive to be seen and heard. I had to find the courage to speak up in a sea of faces and genders that looked nothing like mine. I had to be direct to deal with conflict situations. And I’ve had to calm my nerves to have the outward appearance of confidence. I have seen too often that women in leadership roles, who display the same characteristics as a strong male counterpart, are viewed differently. But, I just don’t understand why. All the women I know in senior positions have at some point been accused of being intimidating, difficult, too direct, cold and too outspoken. And it baffles us all because we aren’t trying to be those things. We are simply trying to effectively lead (with the same leadership traits every mba or exec. course teaches). It’s time to lose these labels; they are unfair, unattractive, demoralizing and sexist. That woman you might call “difficult” has likely had to work twice as hard over her career just to be seen, heard and, if she’s lucky, respected.

🧾 The cost of being seen isn’t the same for everyone. For women, it’s a "Surchage" no one talks about. 👩 Take Ling, a regional sales director. When she speaks up in strategy meetings, she’s told to “be mindful of her tone.” When she stays quiet, she’s labeled “not strategic enough.” It’s not a leadership gap. It’s a cost-benefit calculation, rigged against her. 👩 Meet Rina, a product lead. She’s built three go-to-market launches. Each one a success. But when promotion time comes, her boss says: “You’re doing great. Let’s not disrupt the team dynamic.” Her competence became the excuse to keep her contained. 👩 And then there’s Julia, a COO candidate. She’s been asked to mentor the next generation of women leaders. But no one’s sponsoring her to be the next CEO. 👉 Because championing others is celebrated. Championing yourself gets complicated. But the problem is, the system charges women extra for the power move: • Speak up? Pay the “too aggressive” tax. • Stay humble? Pay the “forgettable” fee. • Stay silent? Pay with your career.    ⚙️ So how do you stop overpaying for power? You fix it by changing the cost structure. Here are 4 strategic power moves to change the terms: 1️⃣ 𝗦𝘁𝗼𝗽 𝗣𝗹𝗮𝘆𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗟𝗶𝗸𝗮𝗯𝗶𝗹𝗶𝘁𝘆 𝗚𝗮𝗺𝗲. Most women try to optimize for comfort: "How can I be visible without making anyone uncomfortable?" Wrong question. Ask: "What does this room need to believe about me to attach power to my name?" Then behave in a way that enforces that belief, consistently! 2️⃣ 𝗔𝘁𝘁𝗮𝗰𝗵 𝗬𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗩𝗮𝗹𝘂𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝗢𝘂𝘁𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗲𝘀, 𝗡𝗼𝘁 𝗘𝗳𝗳𝗼𝗿𝘁. Workhorses get thanked. Strategists get promoted. Shift the conversation from "how hard you worked" to "what changed because of you." Make people dependent on your thinking, not your labor. 3️⃣ 𝗠𝗮𝗸𝗲 𝗬𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗜𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗻𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝘀 𝗘𝘅𝗽𝗹𝗶𝗰𝗶𝘁, 𝗕𝗲𝗳𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝗢𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿𝘀 𝗜𝗻𝘃𝗲𝗻𝘁 𝗧𝗵𝗲𝗺. When women lead, people often don’t know how to process it. So they fill in the blanks, with assumptions. Don’t let the room guess. Tell them why you’re doing what you’re doing. Say 👉 "I’m recommending this because it moves us closer to the long-term goal." 👉 "I’m raising this because keeping quiet will cost us more later." 4️⃣ 𝗖𝗼𝗻𝘁𝗿𝗼𝗹 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗥𝗼𝗼𝗺’𝘀 𝗠𝗲𝗺𝗼𝗿𝘆, 𝗡𝗼𝘁 𝗝𝘂𝘀𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗠𝗼𝗺𝗲𝗻𝘁. Decisions about you happen in rooms you’re not in. Those rooms won’t remember your to-do list, they’ll remember the shortcut version of you. Make sure the phrase people repeat about you is a power narrative, not a service narrative. Keen to own your narrative? 📅 Join our online workshop on July 24th 7:30 to 9pm SGT 𝗛𝗼𝘄 𝘁𝗼 𝗕𝗲 𝗦𝗲𝗲𝗻 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗛𝗲𝗮𝗿𝗱 𝗮𝘁 𝗪𝗼𝗿𝗸 👉 https://lnkd.in/gVT2Y59Q 👈 For women who are done paying extra just to be in the room. 👊 Because if you keep paying the power tax quietly, you’ll be subsidizing other people’s promotions forever.

"Can she really be a leader if she’s acting so … girly?" 💄 The question stopped me in my tracks. It came up during a recent 1-1 coaching session with a male executive. It wasn’t meant to offend — it was an honest observation. But it revealed a much deeper issue about how we view leadership and the narrow expectations we place on women in those roles.  The executive shared his struggle to reconcile this team member’s strong leadership aspirations with behaviors he perceived as “girly.” That word — so loaded with societal biases 🌶️ — became the gateway to an important conversation about gender, stereotypes, and leadership.  Through our discussion, a few key insights surfaced:  🧩🌀 Leadership isn’t about fitting a mold: True leadership combines a spectrum of qualities. Assertiveness and decisiveness are just as important as empathy and collaboration. These traits aren’t “masculine” or “feminine” — they’re human. Their value lies in how they’re applied.  ⚡️🧠 Bias influences how we see behavior: The term “girly” often reflects our own unconscious expectations rather than the individual’s ability. Are we unfairly expecting women to embody “masculine” traits? Is "acting like a man" needed to be seen as a credible leader? 👩🏻🎤🧑🏻🎤 Supporting authenticity over conformity: The executive began to recognize the importance of supporting his team member’s authentic leadership style rather than pressuring her to conform to outdated archetypes.  This conversation reinforced a crucial truth: the problem isn’t women’s behavior. It’s the unrealistic expectations we place on them. When we judge leaders by narrow stereotypes, we limit not only their growth but also the potential of our teams. But transformation takes time and reflection. The seed is often planted in trainings, but it’s in the trusted, reflective, and safer space of 1-1 coaching where these biases and assumptions can be safely explored. As this executive began to shift his perceptions and actions, it reminded me: Leaders, especially those in positions of influence, have the power to challenge biases and foster environments where the courage to embrace authenticity breaks through the crust of stereotypes. What assumptions are you holding about what leadership “should” look like? Are they serving you — or holding your team back?  

This disturbing sentiment has popped up enough I'm sure I'm not the only one who has seen it but hear goes: Women are catty and thus, it is assumed that female leaders are terrible to other women. I have heard and seen this sentiment shared from media that we're exposed to as children (think Mean Girls to Cinderella aka most Disney movies made pre-2018) to comments I see posted on Reddit and TikTok whenever I try to talk about how women are great leaders. It is disheartening to see how much this sentiment is broadly embraced, held as an undeniable truth, and openly spread. My personal experience has been completely contrary to this type of female-hating sentiment. Some of the most successful, thoughtful, and gamechanging leaders in my life are women. Starting with the woman who employed my mother when she didn't speak a lick of English to be the nanny to her kids. This particular female leader eventually became the CEO of a Fortune 500 and after a terrible fiasco of her employer going public, her position wrestled from her to a terrible sleazy businessman, their entire team begged her to come back and take the firm private again. She did so to perfection with the result that the company is once again private. Even though she's since retired, the firm celebrates and honors her impact and legacy to this day with many leaders now directly benefiting from her mentorship and development. She changed thousands of peoples lives in her career. Another example? My mother and aunt - two female leaders that have created multiple businesses that have provided employment opportunities to hundreds of people over the years. They're still hustling to this day. Even at my old recruitment firm, it was the senior WOMEN who tried to help me, question me when I was being told by male leaders what to do. I didn't heed one senior female leader in particular and paid dearly for dismissing her concerns when she saw me make a terrible career decision. She was the ONLY person who dared speak up to warn me about the trouble ahead which I didn't heed at the time. I will forever think of her fondly for her efforts regardless. Here's why I'm sharing this: In light of this historical moment where another woman has a crack at the highest office in this land, I worry that these ignorant and sexist stereotypes about women are still hurting us. Therefore, these sentiments hurt all the people who could benefit from the impact great female leaders create. I really hope our society and media continue to recognize biases of how women in power are viewed and portrayed because they do not reflect reality. There are hundreds of stats to back up how great female leaders actually are. Instead of demonizing them, celebrate and remember all the amazing female leaders we have in our midst. That being said - don't forget to register to vote, my friends! #women #election #2024 #femaleleaders #women #womeninbusiness #femaleleaders #leanin #leadership #unconsciousbias

I watched a top female executive apologize three separate times in one meeting last week. Not for mistakes—for having opinions. After 20+ years working with women leaders, I've uncovered an uncomfortable truth: 80% of women's leadership communities focus on "fixing women" rather than fixing broken systems. • "Speak up more in meetings" • "Be more assertive (but not too assertive)" • "Here's how to navigate office politics" The subtext? The system is fine. You're the problem. I fell into this trap early in my career. I attended workshops on executive presence, voice modulation, and "strategic visibility." I practiced power poses in bathroom stalls before big meetings. I thought I needed fixing. What I actually needed was to recognize that the game itself is rigged, not my ability to play it. This revelation changed everything about how I approach leadership development for women. When I created herSpace at oxygen4Leadership, I built it on this core principle: Women don't need fixing. Systems do. Our community: • Identifies systemic barriers embedded in "normal" workplace practices • Provides collective strategies for challenging these structures • Creates safe spaces for authentic leadership without constant self-monitoring • Celebrates your strengths rather than highlighting perceived "deficiencies" The executive I mentioned? In our session today, we didn't work on her "apologetic communication style." Instead, we mapped the meeting dynamics that created an environment where she felt compelled to apologize for contributing. The solution wasn't in her behavior. It was in addressing the system. Have you noticed yourself trying to "fix" your leadership style to fit a broken system? What would change if you redirected that energy toward changing the system itself? If you're tired of communities that subtly blame women for not advancing, join us at herSpace. We're building something different - Link in the comments. #WomenInLeadership #SystemicChange #AuthenticLeadership #HerspaceLeadership #GenderEquality

Throughout my career, I’ve seen the same pattern. When women are called “too aggressive,” the solution is always the same: Fix the woman. Tone it down. Tweak your messaging. Smile more. But there was never anything to fix. The system was built with bias baked in. We still expect women to walk a tightrope: strong, but not too strong. Decisive, but not unlikeable. Collaborative, but not soft. And when the balance tips? The feedback goes to her, not to the culture that labeled her. I’ve sat at leadership tables where a woman was called “aggressive” for showing the same conviction as her male peers. The room went quiet. And in that silence, the label stuck. That’s when leadership is tested. Do you let the bias slide? Or do you step in and say: “We don’t use that language here. Let’s focus on the substance, not stereotypes.” Because silence is agreement. And bias unchecked becomes culture. And it’s even more damaging when women reinforce those same labels against each other. That’s what happens when a system built on scarcity convinces us to protect our seat instead of pulling up another chair. Strong women aren’t the problem. The problem is a system shaped by cultural norms that were never designed to support women leading on their own terms. Leadership isn’t just who you promote. It’s what you permit. 💌 Subscribe to my newsletter on leadership and reinvention with the link in the comments

As a C-suite leader, I’ve managed 500+ people, closed billion-dollar deals, and had incredible peers champion me. But as a *female* C-suite leader, I've also been talked over, called 'bossy' and underestimated. For years, we have been told: 💬 “Women are too emotional.” 💼 “Moms aren’t committed to their jobs.” 🎯 “Women don’t have what it takes to lead.” But it’s 2025. And the data tells a different story. ⤵ 1) "Women are too emotional" Data: When men are stressed, they're more likely to be rude and hostile to their employees. Women tend to show respect regardless of their feelings. 2) "Women aren't committed to a job after having kids." Data: 98% of mothers want to return to work. Yet, they’re half as likely to get hired as dads and offered $11,000 less in starting salary. 3) "Women aren't naturally strong leaders." Data: Female-led startups generate 78 cents in revenue per $1 of funding, while male-led ones generate 31 cents. 4) "Women can’t handle high-pressure roles." Data: Companies led by women see 35% higher returns than those led by men. 5) "Women lack the authority to lead a team." Data: Zenger Folkman’s leadership study found that women outperform men in 17 of 19 leadership skills, yet only 10.4% of Fortune 500 CEOs are women. ____________ The problem has never been women’s ability to lead. It's the biases holding them back. The data is clear—women don’t just lead, they deliver. And when we open more doors, everyone wins. Shoutout to the leaders, mentors, and allies who back women in leadership—your support matters. Let’s keep building a world where hard work and results speak louder than bias.

There is an urgent need to address the leadership double standard that women, especially women of color, face in the workplace. This unfortunately has become a predictable pattern of behavior that is experienced by women as they ascend to higher levels of power, influence and authority.   In my recent Fast Company article, I delve into the "gravitas gap"—a prime example of the biases and conflicting expectations women navigate. Traits that earn men respect are often perceived negatively when exhibited by women, forcing us to balance authority with approachability and acceptance. Early in my career, I was advised that communicating my career goals broadly would make me be perceived as too ambitious and have a negative impact on my growth and opportunities. Thereafter I rarely shared my career aspirations. Having a different set of standards by ignoring the leadership potential of half the population is a strategic misstep businesses can no longer afford. To tackle this double standard, we must evolve leadership criteria beyond subjective notions of "gravitas" and societal perceptions and provide support systems for women's advancement, address bias in evaluations, and implement inclusive policies that promote equitable organizational processes.   As a trusted C-suite and board-level advisor, I'm committed to inspiring and supporting leaders to create fair and equitable workplaces that leverage the full value and contributions of their workforce by tapping into the benefits diversity brings. Now is the time for organizations to redefine and evolve how they define leadership and prioritize the creation of supportive environments for ALL talent to thrive. Building a future where leadership reflects the full range of backgrounds and experience is essential for long-term growth. By dismantling the leadership double standard, organizations can create a world where competence, vision, and results define success and drive transformative results.   https://lnkd.in/eXykXNcE  

I’ve got 5 ways you can elevate our organizations out of toxic, outdated gender stereotypes. For years, I navigated professional spaces where women in leadership were subtly, or not so subtly, told to stay in their place. Too often, women who take charge (especially in the workplace) are ridiculed and diminished. It’s a mentality that undercuts the capabilities of female leaders by framing assertiveness as something unnatural for women. Even though we’ve made progress, we continue to allow these stereotypes to dictate our organizations today. How many talented women hold back from leading, contributing, and shaping the future of their companies simply to avoid being labeled as "too bossy" or "too controlling"? These harmful narratives don’t just limit women—they limit the growth of the entire organization. Here’s how we can reshape these outdated narratives: 1. Recognize leadership, not gender, in assessing authority and decision-making abilities. 2. Challenge sexist language and eliminate phrases like "wearing the pants" that reinforce harmful stereotypes. 3. Empower women to lead authentically, ensuring their voices are heard and valued in executive decision-making. 4. Foster a culture of inclusion, where leadership is defined by capability and vision, not by traditional gender roles. 5. Actively support diverse leadership teams, creating environments where different perspectives fuel innovation and growth. Breaking free from these gendered stereotypes isn’t just a moral imperative—it’s a strategic advantage. Diverse leadership teams perform better, innovate more, and foster inclusive company cultures that attract and retain top talent.

"I fired my most inspiring female leader today — because she quit." That line in my inbox from a CHRO colleague stopped me cold. Her top performer had finally hit the wall after years of navigating the impossible balance between being "too nice to lead" and "too aggressive to like." 📊 The Performance Paradox is real. At a recent leadership summit, 68% of senior HR executives reported losing their highest-performing women within 24 months of promoting them to key positions. Here's what I've learned about retaining exceptional women leaders: 💡Create "power pairs" — Match rising female leaders with both male and female mentors to provide diverse perspectives on navigating leadership challenges 💡 Reframe "development areas" — Stop trying to fix women leaders and start leveraging their authentic leadership styles 💡 Measure what matters — Track promotion velocity and retention rates by performance tier to spot flight risks early True story: Last quarter, I watched a brilliant VP get feedback that she was "too direct" in leading tough conversations. The next week, her male peer was praised for being "refreshingly candid" in the same situation. The lesson? The problem isn't our women leaders — it's our contradictory expectations. What unexpected successes have you seen when you supported women leaders in leading authentically? 🤔 PS: If you've experienced the "too nice/too aggressive" paradox yourself, I'd love to hear your story in the comments. We learn best from shared experiences. 🌟