When Trusting Friends Backfires in Leadership

When senior leaders value friendship over leadership, things get messy. And honestly, this is one of the biggest issues in schools. I’ve seen this play out again and again. It often starts with good intentions: a desire to build rapport, boost morale, get to know the team or win 'trust'. Sometimes, it’s less innocent. Sometimes it’s just about control and power, keeping certain people close, managing perception, or gathering information under the guise of friendship. Leaders get too close to staff. Things become very informal. Confidential information gets shared. When leaders regularly socialise, go out drinking or get personal with selected staff, share gossip, or allow professional boundaries to slip, problems start to emerge: – A clear 'in-group' forms, and others feel excluded – Gossip begins to influence professional decisions – Accountability becomes inconsistent And then come the perks: – Quiet protection from criticism – Preferential treatment – Early access to promotion opportunities Not because of merit, but because of proximity. The result is a loss of trust in leadership and a toxic culture where decisions are questioned, and professionalism across the organisation erodes. Leadership requires integrity and boundaries. You should be approachable without being overfamiliar. You should build trust without creating cliques. If this kind of toxic culture winds you up, you’re not overreacting. It drove me crazy. You’re just noticing what others have learned to ignore. Or an environment that they benefit from and don't want to lose. You deserve to work somewhere where leadership means being fair, not playing favourites. The toxic politics and favouritism in education needs to stop. Maybe it’s not you that needs to change. Maybe it’s the environment.

I don’t talk about this often, but it stuck with me: At one job, I watched a manager promote their friend—someone clearly less qualified—over team members who had put in the work, built the trust, and earned the opportunity. The team was solid. The work was meaningful. And from the outside, everything looked fine. But inside? It shifted everything. Because favoritism in leadership doesn’t just raise eyebrows. It erodes trust. When you promote the wrong people, you send a message—whether you mean to or not: →Talent isn’t what moves you forward →Loyalty gets overlooked →Effort doesn’t matter The damage isn’t always loud. It’s subtle. Quiet. But lasting. Suddenly, your high performers stop speaking up. They stop stretching. Stop trying. Leadership isn’t about filling roles. It’s about making sure the right people grow into them. And if you’re not paying attention to who’s watching your decisions… You’ll miss how fast trust can disappear. Ever seen this happen on a team? Let’s talk about it.

"They were my friends. Now they don’t take me seriously as a manager." A recently promoted manager shared this with me during our Self-Leadership session. He was excited about the promotion. Until reality hit. He’s now managing the same team he was part of. His former colleagues. His friends. And suddenly - Jokes got louder in meetings. Deadlines became “optional.” Respect took a nosedive. So what do you do when friendship becomes friction in leadership? From the conversation that follows, we found 4 steps that can help him: 1. Shift the Identity First – Internally You can’t lead confidently if you’re still showing up as “one of the gang.” Redefine who you are now: a leader who serves the team by raising standards, not just maintaining harmony. 2. Have the Courageous Conversation Don’t fake it. Don’t avoid it. Address the shift directly: “Hey, I value our friendship. But my role now requires me to lead this team effectively. I’ll still be approachable, but I also need to set boundaries and expectations.” Respect grows when you're honest. 3. Be Consistently Fair, Not Selectively Friendly Nothing breaks trust faster than perceived favoritism. Set clear expectations for everyone. Hold everyone accountable - including your friends. 4. Lead with Purpose, Not Position You don’t have to act “bossy” to lead. Model professionalism, deliver value, and let your actions define your new role. Managing friends is one of the toughest transitions a first-time manager can face. But it’s also a chance to grow from peer to leader - with clarity, courage, and care. Have you been through this shift? How did you handle it? *** I help high-potential professional to build emotional intelligence, communication with authority and, executive presence they need to lead themselves and others with confidence: https://lnkd.in/dEehUT8b

From "Mate" to "You're Fired" The biggest mistake I see in leadership? Trying to be everyone’s friend… until it backfires. You see it every day. Managers trying to be ‘one of the team.’ Keeping things light. Keeping things easy. Laughing in the group chat. Buying the beers. Letting things slide, because we’re all mates here, right? Then… the lines are blurred. Consultant misses targets. Pushes boundaries. Starts treating the job like a hobby. And suddenly, that ‘friendly manager’ is gone. Replaced overnight with the "corporate disciplinarian." Formal warnings. Cold, robotic conversations. A performance plan that’s really just a countdown to the exit door. What happened to the middle ground? Why do we jump from “let’s all be friends” straight to “get out of my business”? Here’s the reality People overstep the mark, targets get missed, boundaries blur. Communication breaks down. Lets not forget, it is a two way street here. This shouldn't mean the answer is immediately managing them out. What happened to getting everyone back around the table? Re-establishing expectations. Reinforcing the standards. Reminding them of the conditions they agreed to. Holding them accountable, not just cutting them loose. Performance management isn’t about pulling the trigger.  It’s about setting the standard. Some will step up. Some won’t. Either way, you’ll know your next move. But flipping from ‘best mate’ to ‘written warning’ isn’t leadership. It’s panic.