Redefining Failure for Women in Male-Dominated Fields

"Just be perfect all the time" This was actually said to me as career advice by a well-meaning boss of mine, who saw me struggling on a particular project earlier in my career. Probably not shocking to you, but this wasn't helpful. If anything, it piled on to the immense pressure I had already put on myself to excel in a male dominated field. It made me second guess gut instincts and if I was even in the right industry. If the expectation was perfection, I could never live up to that. One of the ways I see gender in the workforce is this. We have to cross a canyon, and the men are given a bridge to cross it. Maybe it's a rope suspension bridge or something a bit sketchy like in the movies. But it's mostly in tact and the likelihood of falling off isn't awful. There's a lot of leeway in the means of cross it, to stumble and not fall off. Women have to cross the same canyon, but are given a tight rope in order to cross it. There's not much leeway in words or actions. It's way too easy to be seen as a pushover or too assertive, too decisive or not decisive enough, too friendly or not smiling enough, too high of goals or not high enough, the list goes on. For most of my career, I learned how to walk the tight rope without seeing and learning from other women, because there weren't other women. I had to find the perfect balance of what was acceptable by this male dominated culture in all of these areas by trial and error. When we see women struggling on this tight rope of acceptable words and behavior, it's too easy to address the problem at hand: just be perfect all the time. That solves it, right? Just don't fall off the tight rope, and you'll be fine. But it doesn't address the bigger issue: women deserve to have the same width to walk as their male peers. We deserve to be able to stumble, to not be perfect all the time, and to not fall to the bottom of the canyon. Truly, this concept applies to everyone, not just women. I speak from that lens because it's the one I've experienced. I now know that others feel like they're on the same tight rope: minorities, LGBTQ, immigrants, people older or younger than the age norm, men who don't fit the tough guy mold. I now have 3 kids and I think about how this applies to them. I don't ever want to give them a tight rope and pressure them to be perfect. I want them to stumble, to fail, and to know that they have space to learn. I want them to know that failing is part of learning and growing, and that they should be failing and growing for their entire lives. I don't want them to feel pressure to be perfect. I want them to be the amazing, imperfect individuals that they are, with all of their strengths and weaknesses. I want them to know that there is no "perfect". There is immense beauty in our differences. I have to challenge myself sometimes: how can I make sure my teammates have a bridge, and not a tight rope? How can I make sure they feel safe to stumble and learn?

One yes shot. That’s what the system gives women. “Fail fast” may be a badge of honor in tech circles. But for women, that luxury rarely exists. When men fail, it’s framed as “failing forward.” When women fail, it’s too often treated as proof we weren’t ready in the first place. Did you know: ▪️ After a startup failure, women are 30% less likely to secure new funding. ▪️ Even when their ventures outperform later, women raise 53% less capital than their male peers with identical profiles (NBER). This is why so many women over-prepare, overwork, and over-deliver. Because we know the margin for error is thinner. We don’t just need equal opportunities. We need equal grace. Imagine if women were given the same freedom to stumble, learn, and rise again. How many more leaders, companies, and breakthroughs would we see? This is bigger than “resilience.” It’s about rewriting the rules of who gets to take risks and who’s allowed to recover from them. 💌 I’m unpacking this more in my newsletter. Link in comments to subscribe and join the conversation.

As someone who has encouraged and trained women to run for office for decades, I feel it’s important to point out that this conclusion—that a woman can’t win the presidency—is a lazy lesson for anyone to take away from the 2024 election. It’s also a horrible signal to send women who are currently considering running for office, and an unconscionable legacy to leave to our daughters. But most of all, it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy; as long as we continue to say or even believe a woman can’t win, she won’t. Consider this imposter syndrome in reverse: Just as there are few examples of other women who are in power or in the spotlight to follow when they succeed, there are also too few examples of how women should behave when they fail. Men fail spectacularly and publicly all the time, but instead of shrinking, they know they’ll be given the grace to try again. From good guys like Beto O’Rourke to bad boys like Elon Musk, men who fail rarely leave the stage after a significant loss. In fact, their failures can serve as a springboard for bigger and better things. For men, failures are temporary setbacks, but for women, missing the mark is an excuse to be discarded. If America is truly an exceptional nation, we can and must elect women leaders, including a woman President. And the first step toward making that happen is to believe that it can. Read more: https://lnkd.in/gwfcxEYZ