How Institutions Undermine Women's Confidence

I once got feedback that I was “intimidating.” I took it to heart. I spent the next few years trying to be as approachable, warm, and agreeable as I could be. I assumed this was a character flaw that I needed to fix. But years later, I realized something: this feedback wasn’t about me. It was about the system - one that judges women more harshly and polices their personalities more than their performance. And the numbers back this up. 👇🏽 🎯 Women are 7x more likely to receive negative personality-based feedback than men. 🎯 56% of women have been called "unlikeable" in reviews (vs. 16% of men). 🎯 Harvard Business Review found that 76% of “aggressive” labels in one company’s reviews were given to women (vs. 24% to men). This Is the Leadership Double Bind: Speak up? You’re “too aggressive.” Stay quiet? You “lack confidence.” Show ambition? You’re “unlikeable.” Ask for a promotion? You’re “too pushy.” And here’s the kicker - it’s worst for high-performing women. This is why women... ↳  Hesitate to showcase ambition. ↳  Are reluctant to ask for opportunities. ↳  Are leaving workplaces faster than others. So, what can we do? Here are 3 ways we can start changing this narrative today: ✅ Check your language. Is the feedback about personality or performance? If you wouldn’t give the same critique to a man, please reconsider. ✅ Challenge vague feedback. “You need to be more confident” isn’t actionable. Women deserve the same clear, growth-oriented feedback as men. ✅ Support women’s ambition. If certain leadership traits (ex. being assertive) are seen as strengths in men, they should be seen as strengths in women too. Have you ever received unfair feedback? What’s one piece of feedback you’ve had to unlearn? 👇🏽 ♻️ Please share to help end unfair feedback. 🔔 Follow Bhavna Toor (She/Her) for more insights on conscious leadership. Source: Textio 'Language Bias in Feedback' Study, 2023 & 2024 #EndUnFairFeedback #IWD2025

A highly qualified woman sat across from me yesterday.   Her resume showed 15 years of C-suite experience. Multiple awards. Industry recognition.   Yet she spoke about her success like it was pure luck.   SEVENTY-FIVE PERCENT of female executives experience this same phenomenon.   I see it daily through my work with thousands of women leaders. They achieve remarkable success but internally believe they fooled everyone.   Some call it imposter syndrome. I call it a STRUCTURAL PROBLEM.   Let me explain...   When less than 5% of major companies have gender-balanced leadership, women question whether they belong.   My first board appointment taught me this hard truth.   I walked into that boardroom convinced I would say something ridiculous. Everyone seemed so confident.   But confidence plays tricks on us.   Perfect knowledge never exists. Leadership requires:   • Recognising what you know • Admitting what you miss • Finding the right answers • Moving forward anyway   Three strategies that transformed my journey:   1. Build your evidence file Document every win, every positive feedback, every successful project. Review it before big meetings. Your brain lies. Evidence speaks truth.   2. Find your circle Connect with other women leaders who understand your experience. The moment you share your doubts, someone else will say "me too."   3. Practice strategic vulnerability Acknowledging areas for growth enhances credibility. Power exists in saying "I'll find out" instead of pretending omniscience.   REALITY CHECK: This impacts business results.   Qualified women: - Decline opportunities - Downplay achievements - Hesitate to negotiate - Withdraw from consideration   Organisations lose valuable talent and perspective.   The solution requires both individual action and systemic change.   We need visible pathways to leadership for women. We need to challenge biased feedback. We need women in leadership positions in meaningful numbers.   Leadership demands courage, not perfect confidence.   The world needs leaders who push past doubt - not because they never experience it, but because they refuse to let it win. https://lnkd.in/gY9G-ibh

Male allies, are you aware of the signs of subtle sexism in the workplace? Subtle sexism is a form of gender bias that can be difficult to detect because it’s often disguised as friendliness or chivalry. Recognizing and addressing these behaviors is essential to creating an equitable work environment. Having experienced these subtle forms of sexism at work myself, I know how deadly they can be. The worst effect for me was how they slowly chipped away at my self-confidence. I believe they are responsible for the large number of women who suffer from Imposter Syndrome. Here are some common examples: 🔹 Lower-visibility assignments: Women are often given administrative tasks or assignments that don’t lead to promotions or career growth. 🔹 Double standards: Women face contradictory expectations, such as being labeled “too soft” or “too aggressive” for the same behavior. 🔹 Descriptive biases: Assumptions that women are more sensitive, emotional, or caring can lead to unfair treatment. 🔹 Negative comments about feminism: Making derogatory remarks about feminism or feminists undermines equality efforts. 🔹 Asking about family plans: It’s inappropriate to ask women about their plans for children or personal life—it’s intrusive and irrelevant. 🔹 Benevolent sexism: Phrasing compliments in a way that reinforces stereotypes, such as calling a woman “meticulous” before assigning administrative tasks like note-taking. Why does this matter? Subtle sexism might not seem overt, but its cumulative effects harm women’s career opportunities, confidence, and sense of belonging. How you can help: Speak up when you notice these behaviors. Share the mental load by volunteering for administrative tasks. Advocate for fair distribution of high-visibility assignments. Educate yourself and your peers about unconscious bias. Books like "Good Guys" by Brad Johnson and David Smith can help in a big way towards raising your awareness. By recognizing and addressing subtle sexism, male allies can take meaningful steps toward workplace equity. What strategies have you found effective for combating subtle sexism? Let’s share ideas and keep the conversation going in the comments! #WorkplaceEquity #GenderEquality #MaleAllies #InclusiveWorkplaces

“Too confident.” “Too ambitious.” “Too much.” Funny how the things that make men leaders… are the same things that make women a “problem.” And we call that a confidence gap? It’s not. It’s an opportunity gap. - For every 100 men promoted to manager, only 87 women are. - Women of color? Just 73. Women are less likely to be promoted based on potential. More likely to receive personality-based feedback instead of performance-based. And constantly navigating a double bind: - Be confident, but not too confident. - Be strong, but stay “likable.” So what happens? We over-prepare before speaking up. We shrink our accomplishments to stay palatable. We live in fear of being “too much” for rooms we’ve already earned a seat in. And when we finally do advocate for ourselves? We get labeled. “Aggressive.” “Difficult.” “Not a team player.” This isn’t a confidence issue. It’s a systems issue. -> Confidence in women is often perceived as a threat. -> Assertiveness is misread as arrogance. -> Leadership potential goes unseen because it doesn’t come in the expected “package.” Confidence grows where it’s safe to show up fully. Opportunity fuels self-belief - not the other way around. So if we want more women leaders? ✅ Stop promoting based on tenure alone - look at potential. ✅ Sponsor women the way we mentor men. ✅ Redefine leadership to include collaboration, empathy, and intuition. Women don’t need fixing. The system does. PS: What’s one leadership challenge you’ve faced as a woman - or seen another woman go through?

The confidence gap isn't a 'female issue'—it's a systemic problem we all perpetuate by rewarding silence and punishing assertiveness. We’ve all heard about the confidence gap between men and women. It’s often framed as something women need to work on, as if it’s their fault they’re not leaning in hard enough. But let’s take a step back and ask ourselves: Is this really a “female issue,” or is it something deeper? The confidence gap isn’t about women lacking something—it’s about the systemic barriers that have conditioned them to doubt themselves. And I know this first-hand. From a very young age, I can recall all the times I was praised for being quiet, agreeable, and “nice,” while I watched the boys be encouraged in their boldness, outspokeness and assertiveness. And those early messages stuck with me; as I know they did for so many. The worst part is... By the time women enter the workplace, they’re walking a tightrope—expected to be confident but not too confident, assertive but not aggressive, ambitious but not too ambitious. Ultimately creating an experience where women prioritize being agreeable (aka silent) rather than asserting themselves. I can't tell you how many times I can look back in my career and point to the moments where I wanted to speak up and say something, but didn't because I didn't want to be perceived as "difficult". But as I have gotten older, I have been inspired by the women I work with who are breaking patterns and saying the uncomfortable thing - and risking the perception of being "too much". Let’s be real: We’ve created environments that reward silence and punish assertiveness in women. And when women do speak up, they’re often met with toxic labels used to weaponize that very behavior. The real issue isn’t that women aren’t confident—it’s that our systems and cultures are designed to keep them in check. So, what do we do about it? There is a lot we can do; but it starts with pushing back against outdated norms - whether it be in your workplace, your community, and even in your own mindset. Start recognizing when assertiveness in women is being penalized. Push back against these outdated norms. And celebrate when a woman speaks up, negotiates her worth, or leads with confidence. Show that assertiveness is not only accepted but valued. Closing the confidence gap isn’t about fixing women—it’s about fixing the systems that have been holding them back for far too long. Because the truth is, the confidence gap is a systemic issue that we all have a responsibility to change.

Men are assumed to be competent until proven otherwise. Women have to prove competence over and over. Women are constantly told they need to be more confident. Speak up more. Sit at the table. Be bolder. But confidence isn’t the problem. Perception is. Studies show that when women are assertive, they’re seen as “too aggressive.” When they’re careful, they’re seen as “not leader material.” The issue isn’t that women need to change how they show up. It’s that the rules keep shifting to make them doubt themselves. Instead of telling women to be more confident, we should be asking: 💡 Why do we question women’s authority in the first place? You don’t need to perform confidently. You need a workplace that values your expertise as it is.

It’s not imposter syndrome if you’re just surrounded by people who don’t recognize your value. We’ve told women to journal it out. To “manifest” their confidence. To breathe through the discomfort. To just… believe in themselves more. But what if the problem isn’t her self-esteem? What if the problem is the system? 👉 A system that rewards bravado over thoughtfulness 👉 A system that hears the same idea differently depending on who says it 👉 A system that conflates confidence with competence Let’s stop coaching confidence where we should be correcting culture. Because yes imposter syndrome is real. -But so is being undervalued. -So is being overlooked. -So is being the only one in the room, again. You’re not imagining it. You’re navigating it. To every person who’s ever asked themselves “Do I belong here?” — the answer is YES! But maybe the real question is: Does the room deserve you? What’s one thing you’ve been told to “fix” that actually wasn’t broken? Let's normalize naming the real problem.

Stop teaching women to be confident. We don’t need another pep talk. We don’t need more “you got this” speeches or workshops on how to feel stronger. Because let’s be real: women already are confident. They study. They deliver results. They lead teams. They launch businesses. They have the expertise. Confidence isn’t the problem. The real gap? 👉 Credibility — when a man speaks, authority is assumed. When a woman speaks, her credibility is questioned. 👉 Self-trust — not “can I do it?” but “do I trust myself enough to stop apologizing, overexplaining, or shrinking when I do it?” And yes, this is maddening to witness: we’ve all seen mediocrity celebrated as authority on one side of the table, while brilliance gets interrogated on the other. Double standards drive me crazy. So instead of pushing women to “fix themselves” with more confidence, the work is two-fold: ⚡ Fix the systems that undermine them. ⚡ Practice the subtle shifts that close the credibility gap. Here’s the simple micro-framework I share with clients when influence feels harder than it should: 1️⃣ Align — Anchor in what actually matters: your values, your expertise, your goals. And ask yourself the hardest question: am I sitting at the right table? Because if you’re at the wrong one, it’s like fighting windmills. No amount of “confidence” will make that worth it. 2️⃣ State — Share your perspective clearly. No hedging. No over-explaining. No apologizing for taking space. This is the one piece where practice is everything — the muscle you build each time you refuse to downplay yourself. 3️⃣ Evidence — Back it up with data, examples, proof. Unfair? Absolutely. Necessary? Yes. Because credibility isn’t handed to us the way it is to others. We build it, brick by brick. Here’s the secret: 👉 Just “being confident” without credibility, without alignment, without self-trust… is like shouting into the wind. 👉 Alignment + clarity + evidence? That’s what shifts the room. And no, you don’t have to wake up every day ready to “fix the system” by yourself. None of us do. But every aligned statement, every piece of evidence, every time you refuse to shrink — you’re not just protecting your seat. You’re reshaping the table. Now tell me: when was the last time you noticed credibility being assumed for someone else… and questioned for you? (And if this hit home: my DMs are open.)

For a long time, I didn’t realize how much one job can change the way you see yourself. I took what I thought would be a stop-gap role, just to get through a tough season. But that “temporary” job stretched into three years. During that time, I felt my energy drain away. Opportunities for growth were promised but never delivered, and slowly I stopped seeing myself as someone capable of more. It has taken me months to get my confidence back. The truth is, institutional dynamics can leave scars—what I think of as workplace trauma. When you’ve been undervalued for so long, stepping into your next role isn’t just about proving your skills. It’s about unlearning the limits someone else placed on you. I’m finally on the other side of that experience, stronger for it. But I want to name the reality: career stagnation is real, and recovering from it is work in itself. If you’ve been through something similar, you’re not alone. And if you’re in a place now where you can encourage or sponsor someone else who’s rebuilding their confidence, I hope you do—it makes all the difference.

The "Competence-Likability" Trap Why are women still penalized for being strong? A study by Laurie A. Rudman and Peter Glick in the Journal of Social Issues found something so absurdly outdated it feels surreal: women in leadership who demonstrate competence and confidence are penalized socially, labeled as “unlikable,” while men doing the exact same thing are praised. In 2024, it’s beyond frustrating that women still face backlash for showing competence, strength, and assertiveness—not just at work, but in every aspect of life. When women lead, speak up, or stand strong, they’re often labeled as “unlikable” or “too much,” while men showing the exact same traits are praised for their confidence. This isn’t just a workplace problem; it’s a life problem. Women who take charge often face a lose-lose situation: show strength and risk being called “difficult” or “cold,” or hold back and be overlooked. For women in positions of leadership, this takes a toll. Women report constantly having to tone down who they are just to be accepted. Strength and assertiveness shouldn’t be values “reserved” for men. Yet, from boardrooms to friendships to families, women are often expected to fit neatly into boxes of gentleness and “likeability.” It’s exhausting. This bias doesn’t just affect careers; it shapes the way women live. It influences how we show up in our relationships, how we’re judged as mothers, daughters, friends, and partners. When we can’t embrace our full potential without criticism, everyone loses. Why are we still accepting this? Why should women have to walk on eggshells just to avoid labels that shouldn’t exist in the first place? Our society can’t afford to keep sidelining women’s strength and competence. What are you doing to support and celebrate the strong women in your life? #Leadership #GenderBias #EnoughIsEnough